So my friend is totally fucking wasted. He comes home to his apartment, but he can't find his keys. And he's gotta shit bad - like real bad - so he decides to go across the hall and crap on his neighbor's door. Which is a total douchebag move, but he had to poo bad, so he had poo goggles, I guess.

So he does that, but now he still can't get into his house. But he has a friend that lives in the same building, and he knows a secret way to get into that guy's place, so he goes over there, breaks in, and passes out.

So okay, he crapped on someone's door, but everything seems to be under control. But then the next day, the cops show up at the door, and the phantom crapper answers. The cops check his ID and say, 'You're gonna have to come outside and clean this shit up.' And he's like, 'Well I didn't do it.' And they say, 'We found your keys in the shit.' So basically, the reason why this guy didn't have his keys is because he dropped them in his own poop pile.

But there's more: Next, the guy whose house he crashed at wakes up, and he does what everyone does first thing in the morning - he heads for the bathroom. And when he gets there, it's totally flooded - water is everywhere. It turns out that drunk guy tried to flush his pants down the shitter, because he had crapped in them again.

Of course, at this point, apartment guy doesn't even realize that he has a guest. But he looks out into the living room, where drunk guy is passed out on his white couch. And not only is he drawer-less, he had gotten cold during the night and crawled under the cushions, smearing you know what everywhere.

So basically, in the course of one night, he fucked three people: his poor bastard next-door-neighbor, his friend, and most of all, himself.

I'm glad he got caught - people like that deserve to go to jail. - Bryan, New York